


what else should I be? all apologies

by fullmetallizard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:23:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4928479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riza has been missing from Roy's life for years. When she stumbles back into it, she brings a large secret along with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what else should I be? all apologies

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own FMA. My life would be very different if I did.

Roy was walking back to the car he’d parked on Main Street, pissed about his broken down train and canceled trip. He was supposed to be going to Ishval for a while but he had to reschedule for the week after next. He was almost at his car when a familiar voice stopped him in his tracks.

He turned and saw a woman with a dark haired toddler on her hip. Her back was to him, facing a tea shop window but he recognized the blonde hair that fell halfway down her back. His throat caught. He willed his feet to move but he was frozen in place.

Nearly four years had gone by since he’d last seen her. He had looked for her a long time, only giving up about six months ago. And she was there right there in front of him. It was a dream he’d had several times but always woke up from feeling hollow. But he was awake this time.

“But why, Momma?” The little girl asked, her voice high and sweet.

“Momma needs a new teapot because a naughty girl broke her old one.”

“Who?”

“You, silly,” she laughed, kissing the girl’s cheek, making her giggle loudly.

“Riza Hawkeye?” He finally asked, voice cracking. The whole world seemed compressed onto the street.

He watched as her whole body stiffened and she turned slowly, eyes wide. “Roy?” Her voice was barely a whisper. Neither spoke. They stood there, staring at each other until the toddler in her arms started wiggling.

“Down, Momma,” she whined. “Down please thank you.”

This pulled Riza out of her stupor. “You have to hold Momma’s hand and no running, okay?”

The girl wiggled harder. “Kay.”

Riza sighed and lowered her to the ground, immediately taking her hand. “How…how have you been?” She asked him, her eyes meeting his just for a split second.

“I’m…I’ve been fine.” His brain was still racing. “Who’s this?” He asked, motioning down to the little girl.

Riza swallowed and he could see it through her turtleneck. She looked the same, maybe a little softened at the edges. “My daughter. Her name’s Penelope.” He looked to her hand to check for a wedding band and found none.

“Hi,” Penelope chirped.

“Hello,” Roy said.

“Penelope, this is Roy Mustang.”

“Is he your friend, Momma?”

There was a slight pause. “Yes.” Her voice was uncertain.

Penelope took a few steps forward, her arm stretching to keep hold of Riza’s hand. She got up right under Roy and stared at him.   

 Roy studied the child. Her hair was ink black, she had a round face with high cheekbones, a straight nose, and even though her eyes were brown, they were slanted and small.

It hit him all at once.

“Oh my God,” Roy said, suddenly unable to breathe.

“Roy, listen to me,” Riza said, her voice growing in strength. “I know how this looks.”

“Oh my God,” he said again, backing away. He suddenly wanted to be anywhere but there. He had wanted to find Riza for so long but in that moment, he wished she were gone.

"Roy,” she said, but he was already heading back to his car.

Later that night, after a bottle of cheap vodka he came to regret walking away. But in the moment fight or flight took over and decided he needed to get the hell out of there.

Years ago, after the chaos died down in Central command, his team was transferred East. Riza was with him for three years of rebuilding in Ishval but then left in a rush. She’d been quiet and withdrawn from him and disappeared without saying goodbye. He didn’t even know she was leaving until she was gone. His team had transferred back to Central soon after without her.

He tossed and turned all night, unable to get the toddler’s face out of his mind. It freaked him out a little to see his features in miniature on the girl’s face and he couldn’t shake the feeling.

The next day at work he glared at everyone on his team, wondering who knew and who didn’t. He noticed Havoc wasn’t meeting his eyes.

His suspicions were confirmed hours later when Riza walked into the room, making a beeline for Havoc. They spoke for a few moments and he put a hand on her arm. From his office Roy could see him saying “go talk to him.”

Riza knocked on the door and waited for him to open it. “Hear me out, Roy.”

He shut the door and walked back behind his desk. Riza sat, smoothing out her long skirt. “I want to hear you say it,” he all but spat at her.

She sighed and looked down at her hands which she had clasped in her lap. “Penelope’s your daughter. She’s three.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why are you even here?!” He couldn’t keep the edge out of his voice even if he wanted to. “Were you _ever_ going to tell me?”

“I don’t know if I was going to tell you. I guess that would have depended on Penelope.”

“Why are you here?” He asked again.

She tucked a piece of long blonde hair behind her ear. “We came to see my grandfather. You…you weren’t supposed to be here.”

The air left his body. “Do you come to see him every time I leave for Ishval?”

She nodded, looking pained.

“Goddammit, Riza. Why?”

“Roy…I am so sorry. I know it was wrong. But I was scared and I didn’t want to keep you from your goal.”

“Did you…did you think I’d be a bad father?” His voice was quiet but it filled the room.

“Roy, no,” she said, her tone was sad. “Not at all. I knew if you knew about her…you’d make her your whole life and I didn’t want that for you. I want you to be Fuhrer. And…I didn’t want her to know what a monster her mother is. Not yet. Growing up in a city, she’d know too soon.”

“Riza…”

“I know the reasons are shit. When I say it out loud, they’re inadequate. It made sense to me at the time to keep her from you. I was pregnant and terrified and knew I had to get away.”

 “Who knows about her?” His voice was strained and there was a weird brew of sadness and anger pooling in his stomach.

“My grandfather, obviously. Havoc and Rebecca know. So do the Elrics.”

The betrayal Roy felt in that moment was a hot knife in his chest. He took his head in his hands and breathed deeply.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. He didn’t look at her but he could hear the tears in her voice.

They didn’t speak for five full minutes. She broke the silence. “Do you…want to meet her? More than just on the sidewalk in passing?”

“Could I?” There was a slight hint of hope in his voice.

“Whenever you want.”

“Where…where is she now?”

“She’s with Rebecca. We can go have lunch if you'd like.”

“Does she…know anything about me?”

“She asks who her father is. She thought Havoc was her dad for a long time but we finally convinced her he wasn’t. I give her basic answers. She’s still so young that I’m enough but that’s changing.”

It stung but he didn’t comment on it. “Why don’t we go get lunch?”

“If you’re going to yell, please do it before we go get her.”

“I don’t want to yell,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair before standing up. “I just want to know her.”

Riza stood and nodded. “Let’s go then.”

They took his car to Rebecca and Havoc’s apartment and Riza opened the door with a key she had in her skirt pocket.

“MOMMA!” Penelope shrieked, throwing herself at Riza’s legs. Riza unpeeled her, hauled her up into her arms, and squeezed her daughter close and Roy felt his throat tighten.

“Hey, baby doll,” she said, smiling big. This was new to Roy. He’d seen her as a shy, soft spoken teenager, a weathered cadet fighting in Ishval, and as a model soldier following him. But a mother was perhaps his favorite thing to see her as.

“Roy Mustang,” he heard. He looked and saw Rebecca leaning against the doorframe. “Come here, please.”

“Rebecca,” Riza sighed but Roy shook his head at her and walked over to the dark haired woman.

“Look here,” she said, poking a finger to his chest gently once they’d disappeared into the kitchen. “I love that little girl more than life itself and if you’re not taking this seriously, you can go right now.”

“Am I really the person to lecture? Am I really in the wrong here?”

“I’m not saying you’re in the wrong. I don’t agree with what Riza did. I understand but I don’t agree.” Her face was serious now instead of angry.

“So why didn’t you tell me, Catalina? You had four years you could have,” he called her Catalina despite the fact that she was now a Havoc. He was intentionally keeping his voice low, not wanting Riza or Penelope to hear.

She sighed. “Because Riza didn’t want me to. It’s that simple. She’s my best friend. But what I care about is Penelope. Don’t get her hopes up if you’re going to crush them.”

“So I won’t crush them,” he said.

Catalina eyed him for a good few seconds but then nodded. For some reason, it felt important to get her blessing. “Okay.”

He walked back into the hallway where Riza was kneeling on the ground and wrapping a green scarf around Penelope’s neck. “What do you want to eat, honey?” She moved on to tying the girl’s shoes.

“Pizza!” She said, wrapping her arms around Riza’s neck. Riza kissed her quickly, smoothed her hair and then stood.

“Pizza okay with you?” She asked Roy.

He could do little more than nod.

Penelope skipped to his car and sat in between them on the way to the restaurant. She was quiet during the ride, opting to hum a tuneless song she was seemingly making up on the spot. Riza was twisting her fingers like she was nervous.

They’d been seated and had just ordered when Penelope pointed at Roy. “Are you my daddy?”

He blanched and looked to Riza. She breathed deeply and took her daughter’s hand. “Yes, Nel. That’s Daddy.”

The name scared and thrilled him all at once. He found that he wanted to be that for her.

“Guess what, Daddy?”

“What?” He asked, smiling at how she was bouncing in her seat. She ignored Riza unwinding her scarf so she wouldn’t get food on it.

“I have a dog named Hayate.”

“I know Hayate. Where is he?”

“Home.”

“He doesn’t travel well now that he’s older,” Riza said, sipping her water.

“Where is home, by the way?” He asked.   

“Resembool,” Riza said.

Roy gaped. “I go to Resembool every Christmas.”

She nodded, looking guilty. “We come to Central every Christmas.”

He tried to swallow down his anger and focus on the kid… _his daughter_. She chattered on about Hayate for a while. She talked about Fullmetal’s kids, who she called her cousins.

The pizza came and Riza draped a napkin on Penelope’s lap. “Hush, baby. You need to eat.”

   Penelope apparently hadn’t inherited Riza’s calm demeanor. It almost frightened him that he saw so much of himself in the child. She talked with her hands, a fast and broken toddler speak that he could only really catch half of.

It all felt surreal. Riza had a soft smile on her face as she watched her daughter tell her stories. Roy thought of the time they were talking in the hayloft of her father’s barn growing up. They were fifteen and eighteen and she told him she never wanted to be a mother because she didn’t have one and wouldn’t know what to do.

Watching her now, it was clear she’d figured something out. She and Penelope had a fluidity about them that he worried he’d never achieve. He didn’t want to always be awkward around his child but he’d missed three years. And they lived a two day’s train ride away from him.

They finished eating and got back in the car. Penelope was much quieter now. Roy felt her head leaning heavy against his arm.

“Are you tired, Nel?” Riza asked.

“Sleepy,” she mumbled, nodding against him.

Roy drove carefully, trying not to jostle her around too much. By the time they got back to the Havoc’s apartment, Penelope was dead asleep and glued to his side.

“I can carry her in,” Riza said, preparing to.

“I got it,” he said, already pulling her into his arms. He stood up. She was lighter than he expected. She was warm and limp with sleep. At the sudden movements, she shook her head and snuffled her face into his neck. It tickled but he didn’t mind.

“We’re staying in the back room,” Riza said quietly, guiding him through the apartment. Rebecca had gone somewhere so they were alone. He walked to the bed and laid Penelope on top of the covers. Without really thinking about it, he started taking off her little shoes and working her gently out of her coat.

Riza was watching wordlessly but he was too absorbed in the little child sleeping in front of him. He laid a hand gently on her hair. She stirred and opened her eyes a bit. “Hi, Daddy.”

“Hi,” he said quietly.

She sighed and closed her eyes again, falling easily back into sleep. Roy stood and looked at Riza who was staring down at her feet. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“We should go to the living room.” Her tone was unnerving. He followed her and they sat on opposite ends of the couch. “I’m sorry, Roy.”

He sighed. “I know.” She’d been his moral compass for years and it stung that she’d lied about something so huge for so long.

“But you don’t,” she said, meeting his eyes for what felt like the first time since he’d seen her on the street. “Seeing you with her…it’s so natural and I should have given you that from the beginning.”

“You’re right.”

“You should get back to work. You can come back after if you want to see her. Or you can take some time. Whatever you want.”

“I’d like to see her tonight,” he said, standing. He put a shaky hand on her shoulder. “Thank you for telling me now, Riza.”

She nodded and he left. He’d just sat down back in his office when Havoc knocked on the door and then entered.

“Yeah?”

“I owe you an apology,” he said, sitting. He was gnawing on the filter of his unlit cigarette.

“I’ve missed years,” he said quietly. He tried to be angry but he mostly felt sad. “I don’t even…I don’t even know what she looked like when she was a baby.”

Havoc shifted and took out his wallet. He pulled three pictures out and handed them wordlessly to Roy. He flipped through them slowly.

The first was a photo of Penelope when she was brand new, still bright red. She looked squishy and a bit more like Riza than she did currently. The next picture was of her taking wobbly steps, her left foot blurry in the photo. The last was of Riza laughing with a grinning Penelope on her lap. The date scrawled on the back showed that his daughter was two in the picture.

He handed them back. “You carry those around?” It blew his mind to know that he sat a few feet from pictures of his hidden child every day.

Havoc nodded, jaw tight. “I love them,” he answered. “They’re like family.” There was a long pause. “If it means anything, I’ve been trying to get her to come clean since Nel was born.”

“It’s so…unlike her. She’s the last person I would ever believe could do this.”

“I know. She was scared though, General. Try to see it from her side. Not only was she unmarried, her relationship was illegal. You both could have been court martialed. She wanted to make sure your life stayed on track.”

He nodded, truly starting to see where she was coming from.

Havoc cleared his throat. “Becca and I are going out so you and Riza can talk.” He left and the rest of work was a blur. It was dark and raining by the time he knocked on the door.

“Sorry to disappoint you,” Riza told him, going into the kitchen to fill the kettle. “But she fell asleep twenty minutes ago.”

“That’s okay.”

She made him a cup of black tea with lots of sugar and no milk. He wasn’t all that surprised she remembered. They sat on the couch, much closer than they had earlier. “I’ve been thinking of moving to Central.”

“I thought you said you didn’t want her to grow up in the city.”

“I really don’t. But it’ll be easier for you to be in her life. If…if that’s what you want.”

“Of course that’s what I want. But you don’t have to move if you don’t want.”

“She’s completely enamored with you. When she woke up from her nap, you were all she could talk about. She’ll miss the Elrics but she deserves to know her father.”

“I missed you,” he said after a long silence. “I looked for you.”

“I know. I was determined not to be found. I saw you once when I was pregnant though.”

“What?” The shock was clear in his tone.

“You were visiting Ed and Winry and you walked in front of the library I work at. You stopped there and checked your watch. It was the closest I came to telling you.”

He didn’t say anything. His hand moved seemingly independent of his mind and he lightly traced her jawline. She melted into the touch with a soft sigh. There was a large crack of thunder and Riza stood. “Dammit.” Thunder boomed again.

“What’s wrong?”

There was a high pitched cry from the back of the apartment and Riza sagged a little. “Penelope is terrified of thunder. She has been since she was born.”

He heard little feet padding on the floor and Penelope ran into the room, going straight for Riza. “Momma!” She cried, tears rolling down her face.

“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry.” Riza picked her up and sat on the couch. Penelope curled around her. Roy could see her shaking. “But look, Daddy’s here. You were just saying earlier you wanted to see him.”

Penelope turned and looked at him. She held her arms out for him and he took her. He rubbed her back, trying to calm the trembling. “It’s okay,” he told her. “Daddy hates the rain too.”

Riza smirked at him over their daughter’s head. “Well what do you know,” she said once Penelope had fallen back asleep on his chest. “You’re not completely useless in the rain.”

For the first time in nearly four years, he felt okay and put together. Missing Riza was like missing a part of his own body. It ached. And now that he was near her again, it seemed like they had a real shot of starting something important.

With his daughter snoozing on his chest and the woman he’d never stopped loving beside him, he felt happy. He felt human. He’d maybe even started to feel like a father and that excited him.

“I’m scared I’ll let her down.”

“Yeah, that never goes away,” Riza told him gently. She stroked Penelope’s hair.

“You’ll have to show me the ropes, you know?”

“You’ll catch on quickly.”

“You lead. I’ll follow.”   

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are really appreciated! If you're willing, I'd love to hear what you like and didn't like. I love you for reading!


End file.
